The following is a guest post by an unwitting fan who posted a comment and never dreamed it would became the Latest Entry.

Hello Ej and Dr. Ten Sing,

I wanted to be sure you had some answers, so after scrambling for 2 weeks straight getting a conference paper finished only to realize I made a fundamental flaw and had to scrap it, I researched these queries by drinking a beer.

1. Why do people go to such lengths to park as close to the doors of a mall that they are just going to walk around all day in?

It’s a hierarchy thing. Those who get closer to the door are better looking, smarter, snappier dressers, and have cuter kids. At least in their heads. Usually they are the exact opposite. That’s also why few people go to malls these days. That and bear attacks.

2. Why do some people avoid eating grains even though their widespread use made the entire modern world possible?

Grains have given humans the fuel to do some amazing things: cars, airplanes, remote controls, pizza boxes, and lawn ornaments. They also ferment if you’re not careful and lead to booze, which is also responsible for some amazing things. But overall, I’d say it’s because grains are not meat.

3. Why do people complain about the quality of music, and how it was better when they were young and listening to hair bands?

Because it’s a mathematical FACT that the music was better when you’re young. Except that ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ song. I swear to god…

4. Why do guys give flowers to girls? What are girls going to do with them? They should give them an X box or something.

I agree. I’m sending an 8 pack of toilet paper next time.

5. Who picks up all the ticker from a ticker tape parade? Do they save for the next parade or do they have to buy more from the confetti store?

If you look really carefully, you’ll see it’s not confetti but rather tiny littering tickets. Those who get them on their clothes and in their hair are responsible for paying them.

6. What do we do when balloons fall back down on our heads?

Drink fermented grain drinks (see 2 above).

7. How can we be sure that all the rats we’ve poisoned aren’t just faking it so that they can secretly steal all our crackers?

This is why it’s important to inventory every single cracker, crisp, chip, grain, flake, and crumb before you go to bed. Just in case.

8. What would the governments of the world do if aliens sent a message saying that some tiny country was populated by their spies?

They do. There’s no such thing as Belgium.

9. Has anyone ever used the word “ironic” in the correct way?

Never.

10. If two salesmen who are experts in mirroring looked at each other would we see eternity in their faces?

It’s a well known fact that all salesmen are all a single guy named Fred. He such a good salesman and so good at mirroring you think you’re talking to another person. Even if it’s a woman or two other people helping that old lady by a microwave that she thinks is a TV. He’s THAT good.

11. Has changing a Facebook icon ever changed anything in the world?

Yes. It sank Atlantis.

12. Does Delaware really exist?

No.

13. If the Atlanteans were so smart, why did they all die?

See 11 above. Also they were taken over by make-believe Belgians, alien spies, and rats.

14. If time doesn’t exist at light speed, is some photon is going to be really pissed when it finds out how long it’s been since it left home?

It would be, but it doesn’t own a watch. It doesn’t find out until it turns on the TV for some football and finds out the game just ended after two overtimes and the coolest beer commercial that anyone’s ever seen.

15. Does the god of the modern world ever get really tired of playing himself in chess and always winning both games?

No. And the reason is that in God Chess all the bishops are super awesome and can simultaneously kill every enemy piece on the board. This causes a horrendous rip in space-time which is where babies come from.

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